Breaking the rules: The psychology of playing hard to get

When I was in middle school, a family friend gave me a book called The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Though it was clearly geared towards women much older than myself who were looking for a husband, I couldn't put it down. I was fascinated by the long list of "don'ts" that seemed impossible to follow. At age 13 I had already violated most of them.

Here are some examples:

1. Don't talk to a man first.

2. Don't stare at men or talk too much.

3. Don't call him and rarely return his calls.
4. Don't ask him to dance.

5. Always end phone calls first.

6. Don't see him more than once or twice a week.

7. Don't take the lead.

8. Don't open up too fast.

9. Be honest but mysterious.
10. Don't tell him what to do.

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What You See is not always What You Get: The Perils of Naive Realism for Relationships

Last weekend my husband and I got into a fight over a pillowcase. It was one of those times where it was clearly his fault, and I was sure he would apologize the next day. He didn't. Instead he seemed surprised that I wasn't apologizing to him. How could we have such different views of the same conflict? Which one of us was right?

It turns out that we were both right, in our own way. Misunderstandings like the one that led to a fight over a pillowcase occur because people tend to be naïve realists. That is, we believe that we see social interactions as they truly are, and that other people see them the same way that we do. However, one of the most enduring contributions of social psychology is the understanding that two people can interpret the same social interaction in very different ways based on their own personal knowledge and experiences (Asch, 1952). What does this mean for me? I thought my husband had taken my pillowcase as a joke. He knew he had done it on accident. These different pieces of knowledge led us to interpret the same conversation in very different ways.

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Literal Metaphors

Metaphors are more than just literary devices discussed in English class - they can be found in almost every sentence we speak, and they help us understand abstract concepts like love, time, freedom, power, and morality (Lakoff & Johnson, 1980). For example, an abstract concept like time may be represented by the more concrete, physical experience of moving forward through space (e.g., "I'm moving towards my goal") Although these metaphorical connections are not presumed to be literal – walking forward doesn’t literally mean getting closer to a personal goal – recent research suggests that many of these connections are more literal than we might think. It turns out that simple physical sensations or movements can shape our thinking and behavior in powerful ways, all without our awareness. Over the past few years the field has seen an explosion of research on this topic. In addition to revealing fascinating insights about how the mind works, many of these findings have practical implications. Here are some examples.
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“Fight or Flight” vs. “Tend and Befriend:” The Yin and Yang of Human Social Life

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Last week I wrote a post suggesting that goodness, compassion, and cooperation with others is a biological imperative. I argued that being good to others is part of our evolutionary history—a response that developed to solve the problems of our harsh physical environments. In essence, humans as a species have underwhelming physical capabilities, and so overcoming obstacles in the environment through brute physical force becomes difficult. Instead, infants rely on mothers, adults cooperate with neighbors, and farmers barter with hunters. In this way, humans cooperate to survive.

In the comments section of that post, one of our readers made a second observation about human nature—that we also have a tendency to think in terms of “Us” versus “Them.”  That is, humans also have an innate ability to identify and respond to potential dangers, threats, or competitors in their social environments. This is also a result of our evolutionary history in that being able to identify environmental threats is important for survival.

So who is right? Are we Born to Be Good or are we cursed with a Selfish Gene?

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Recent Grads: Wait on Buying that New Car

Make the right choice on your first car

This guest post was written by Go Banking Rates, bringing you informative personal finance content and helpful tools, as well as the best interest rates on financial services nationwide.



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Graduating from college is such an exciting time. You're finally done with slaving over books and ready to slave over a cubicle desk instead. You won't have to rely on your parents for money anymore because you'll be making your own and you can finally upgrade to a better apartment, a brand new car and overall sweeter lifestyle.



Or so we all believe at first. Before you go about making plans for this new phase in your life, think about whether you can really afford it all. How substantial is that entry level salary really? How much debt have you accumulated over the past four (or more) years? Not to burst your bubble, but you might want to readjust your new spending plan, especially when it comes to financing anything--like your next car.

The True Cost of an Auto Loan

Let's say you've graduated and it's time to upgrade your ride. You have $10,000 set aside in your savings account specifically for this purpose, which is a pretty decent chunk of change. You could buy a nice pre-owned vehicle for that amount, or you could use it as a down payment on a loan for an even nicer new car. So which is the better option: Should you save your money and buy used or are there advantages to financing?



First, you have to consider that taking on an auto loan means you are going to be paying quite a bit more for the car than it's actually worth. For example, you use your $10,000 as a down payment and finance a $20,000 car. You are borrowing the additional $10,000--we can even assume you have good credit and get an interest rate of 6% APR--and your loan term is 48 months or 4 years.



That means your monthly payment will be about $235. This also means you're going to pay your lender a total of $21,280 for a $20k car. Is a slightly better vehicle worth shelling out an extra $1,280 for? Some people believe it is because it will help you build credit in the process. Well, that's true, but...



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Workplace Competition

Hold your Own in a Competitive Office Jungle!

Employers want the most that they can get from their employees. They are always looking for ways to keep their employees innovative and hardworking with incentives be it monetary, acknowledgment or something else that only the best worker can earn. While this may sound manipulative, there is nothing wrong with a reasonable amount of healthy competition to help push employees outside their comfort zone towards more productivity. If an employee is too relaxed while on the job, he or she will only do the bare minimum and turn in mediocre results. While the word competition means different things to different people, the very nature of the word implies that there will be winners and losers. Workplace competition can be a strong motivator but problems among coworkers may arise when too much emphasis is put on who is best. So what is there to be done about it? Akhtaboot reveals 6 smart strategies to help you win in today’s competitive workplace jungle.

Figure Out What you Can (and Cannot) Be the Best at

Imagine if you were able to build a career that revolves around what you are profoundly passionate about, what you can be the best in the world at, and what drives your financial engine? We all want to be the best at something, but few of us truly understand with egoless clarity what we have the potential to be the best at and what we cannot actually do. Just because you’ve been doing the same job for years doesn’t necessarily mean that you can be the best at it. You can be passionate about what you do, but if you can’t be the best at it and it doesn’t make sense from a financial point of view then you might as well just change the game!

Be More Than your Job Description

Sure, you can arrive to the office ahead of everyone, work overtime, do everything asked of you, but are you willing to take the extra step to do tasks that go beyond your normal job description? Just because you were hired for a marketing position, doesn’t mean that your accounting or sales skills wouldn’t matter anymore. In order to shine in today’s competitive workplace, try to be that indispensable person, who others can depend on and who can do just about anything. Nowadays, being good at your job is no longer enough. If you want to be exceptional at what you do, make sure that you increase your value by persistently updating your knowledge and skills.

Build your Relationships

In competitive work environments, employees almost always feel pressured to increase productivity and achieve personal goals, but this doesn’t mean that your relationship with other coworkers isn’t important for your own success. Finding a way to work together as a team can help compensate each others’ weaknesses and build on your collective strengths. Network internally with other departments and if you got some free time on your hands, volunteer to assist other areas of the company. Teaming up always helps with competition; it can actually help you come out way ahead.

Play by the Rules

It comes as no surprise that the chance of having backstabber coworkers in high performing companies is much higher than it is in mediocre business settings. An excellent strategy to survive and shine in such a workplace is to make sure that you reflect the regulations and policies of your company in your performance and attitude. If you play by the rules, your competitor can not point you out as being a violator. If you truly believe that a coworker is trying to sabotage your career, keep careful records of what you are doing with dates, times and a summary of each task you’re working on.

Streamline Similar Tasks

Every job requires a set of tasks during a typical working day. Maybe yours includes meeting clients or writing emails or reading online articles. Regardless, staying on top of all the tasks you need to perform is essential to your success in competitive workplaces. Organizing these daily tasks effectively helps you work smarter - not harder - and can definitely improve your productivity at the same time. Find ways to make your tasks go quicker, so the demands for your scarce resources get lower. You can create a file for standard email responses, create groups for your clients based on their financial value or prioritize tasks according to their importance.

Competition among coworkers has always been there. We compete with our coworkers for promotions, raises, and the ideal task. While it is true that the main interest is to get the attention of your direct boss, still it is indisputable that the company will benefit from this, as employees will try their best to compete with other coworkers in the company. A smart approach to workplace competition is to learn how to pick your battles. If a coworker is seeking credit for a relatively minor achievement, let it slide. Don't get too tangled up in the competition for praise that you ignore the importance of teamwork.

Gimme Five: How Physical Touch Might Bust Your Bracket

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March Madness is upon us again! This is my favorite time of year, because it is time for (arguably) the best tournament in all of sports: the NCAA basketball tournament. It’s reason enough for me to miss two days of work just to watch basketball. Every year people write about the many work hours lost to this tournament, and I have definitely contributed my share. There aren’t too many sporting events where the drama is as thick as it is during the NCAA tournament: Here you have college student/athletes, some are playing their last basketball game before they join the workforce, and some are attempting to etch their names in the history books. Whatever the case, the tournament games bring the best out of teams and the outcomes are equal parts unpredictable and exciting as a result.

Despite the unpredictable nature of the tournament, every year we try to make predictions by filling out our NCAA tournament brackets. I watch a lot of basketball throughout the year, I’ve also coached basketball in the past (posting a slightly troubling 3-19 career coaching record as a high school coach). Despite my basketball experience, I predict games in this tournament about as well as someone who has never watched basketball.

And maybe that’s because I haven’t been looking in the right place until recently…

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Giving Feels Good: Why We Should Help Japan

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“If we want to help humanity in a practical way, we must begin by setting an example of mutual respect, harmony and cooperation.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama (via twitter)

The recent earthquake off the coast of Japan was among the most devastating in recent memory. As the death toll continues to increase, it is clear that the people of Japan need help from the rest of the world.

In situations like these, I am usually swept up with an immediate call-to-action—I want to do what I can to help those people in need! But, that feeling often dissipates over time, as I see the sheer size of the devastation. Over and over, news media outlets uncover new tragedies. As the disaster becomes larger and larger in scope, my sense of my own capacity to help shrinks, and shrinks, and shrinks in comparison. I suspect that many people have this same experience, and that is a shame! 

There is clear, unequivocal, scientific evidence suggesting that we should do whatever we can to help the people of Japan, and others-in-need more generally. Here are the three main reasons why:

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The inaugural blog post!

Welcome to "Psych Your Mind!" The goal of this blog is to better understand why people think, feel, and behave the way they do. This, I think we can all agree, is more difficult than it sounds. If for example, we are trying to explain why my neighbor bangs on the ceiling whenever I'm at home in my apartment, we certainly can generate some theories (e.g., s/he is aggressively swatting flies, doing exuberant jumping jacks, etc...). What's unique, in some ways, about this blog is that we'll be generating theories from science!

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"Related Experience" = Key for Landing a Job for New Grads

How to show an employer how much of a strong job candidate you are

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If you still have some time to go before you graduate, you have a perfect opportunity to make things easy on yourself when it comes time to look for your first "real" job. Just get some experience related to what you want to do when you graduate. This is a "no-brainer". Just do it. Nothing (not even a 4.0 GPA) will be more valuable to you as you start looking for that first professional position than some real-for-sure, hands-on, related experience. Even if you have to work for free, do it if you can . . . it'll pay off in the end. Here's how to do it.



Where Can I Get Related Experience?



• Internships and Co-op Experience - If you can get into an internship or co-op position related to what you want to do after you graduate, do it. Don't even think about it . . . just do it! If your school has a career center, they often can help you find these positions. If not, start looking on your own. Target companies in your field and apply to them for summer work. Don't expect to run the place and don't expect to make a pile of money. Do expect to gain some valuable experience worth its weight in gold on your resume when you graduate.





• Part-time Jobs - If you work part-time to support yourself in school, try to find jobs that are related to your field. For example, if your major is finance, try to find a part-time job as a bank teller. No, you might not make as much money as you would make in tips waiting tables at a classy restaurant, but if you can get by financially, do it. And even if you have to wait tables, maybe you can try to get involved in areas related to your career goal. For example, if your major is advertising or public relations, maybe you can offer to help with the restaurant's advertising and promotional efforts. If your major is computer science, maybe you can write a custom program that helps your boss run his business.



• Professors - Is your major chemistry? Volunteer to be a lab assistant to your chemistry professor. Yes, you're going to spend a lot of time washing laboratory glassware but you may get to watch or participate in some experiments or research along the way, too. And putting this experience on your resume shows that you like working in a lab, otherwise why would you have volunteered to work there when you didn't have to?



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College Graduates More Likely to Say 'I Do'

Education and marriage...linked?

Reprinted with permission from parentdish.



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Looks like the "MRS" Degree is making a comeback.



For the first time in decades, young adults with college degrees are more likely to walk down the aisle by age 30 than their peers without further education, a new Pew Research Center study reports.



This is a reversal of longtime trends, the study's experts say, as the struggling economy pushes weddings to all-time lows. As a whole, more younger adults are postponing marriage while they struggle to find work, and those lacking college degrees are seeing sharper declines in marriage.



"There's a double whammy going on for the people who aren't college-educated," Richard Fry, senior research associate at the Pew Research Center who wrote the report, tells CNN.com. "They are facing difficult employment, and they are less likely to enter into marriage and receive the economic benefits marriage provides."



Two decades ago, Fry tells CNN, those without college degrees were more likely to get married than folks with college degrees. Marriage allowed those without college degrees to offset lower salaries.



But now, according to the study, there has been a significant shift. About 62 percent of college-educated 30-year-olds are married or had been married, compared with 60 percent of those without a bachelor's degree, the study finds. A decade ago, 75 percent of young adults who didn't finish college were married, compared to 69 percent of their college-educated counterparts.



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